Things are moving along. I'm getting more and more huge. It's getting harder to get around but essentially I'm in a holding pattern right now.
The thing that's most on my mind is how to reconcile the birth story I want to have with the birth story that I fear is coming. Or rather, how to get over my fear of having a c-section. It's not so much the surgery I'm afraid of, it's missing out on the birth experience. I want to know that I can do it. I want to have had experienced giving birth. And I know that the most important thing is the safety of the twins, but I can't help but wonder if I'm making the right choices. All my instincts and desires are to pull away from the non-natural/surgical/clinical aspects of this process. Honestly, I want a home birth with just a midwife, Nick and a tub. But I know that's not the most rational decision for my situation. So, that's my struggle: How to reconcile what I want with what will be. And how not to look back on the experience with dissatisfaction.
In addition, the conflict Nick and I always run into in our marriage is coming up now that the time is approaching. I am essentially collaborative. He is essentially independent. So, in our planning out the final stages his impulse is to take care of what he's responsible for and let me take care of what I'm responsible for. Except I NEED to collaborate with him on what I'm responsible for. Normally I'm the one to compromise in this situation but not this time. This time he's got to be more involved. He says he will be it's just hard for him to care about things that don't affect him directly. And I have a hard time dealing with him not caring. Ah well, at least we know this about ourselves and aren't yelling at each other about it. We're working through it.
I hope at least one of the kids is a collaborator or their childhood is going to be a very interesting personal development time for me.
Here's me this week. I'm about to get an outie!
What will be, will be, darling. You're strong and courageous and beautiful, and your babies will know that no matter what. Mwah.
ReplyDeleteHaving had a vaginal birth, I can tell you this right now: You might feel wistful about what you've "missed", but your vag will be thrilled if you have a C-section.
ReplyDeleteYour birth experience will involve as much bravery, heart, strength, struggle, and beauty as any, no matter what it looks like.
My baby A is (was?) transverse and baby B is (was?) vertex, so I'm also very worried about needing a surgical delivery, so I've been doing some research. Have you seen the following website?
ReplyDeletehttp://spinningbabies.com/techniques/in-pregnancy/twin-pregnancy
I've been doing chiropractic adjustments (the Webster technique) and acupuncture and as part of acupuncture I've been doing moxibustion and inversions. I think it's working, Baby A seems to no longer be transverse, but I don't know if he/she is breech or vertex. By the way, I'm 32 weeks tomorrow, so not that far behind you. If you want to try some of these things, I bet it's not too late. I also have an acupunturist to recommend if you want to go that direction.
I'm sending Alpha and Beta turning vibes!
Has Emma said anything to you about options? I meet with my doula on Monday and will let you know if she has any suggestions too.
Good luck!
Jessica @ Amgen